My Attempt To Be Coherent

Sometimes I make sense and sometimes I *don't*

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

I realize that I sound angry.  I doubt that was a word much associated with me for the better part of my life.  But it started slowly.  And the worse things got the more dog-down-deep-pissed off I became.  It was a 'frog-in-the-pot' type of scenario.  But usually my anger didnt show it's self.  Instead, I became even more sick.  I tried to pretend it wasn't there, I also gave in to it. Ate/drank/smoked omg too much.  I guess this was supposed to make me feel better.  I had times of very good productivity, and as time shoved me onward, less and less.

When I was first *finally* diagnosed with Fibromayalgia, of course I got right online to see what I was in for.  OMG   O. M. G.   I thought that of course I would never lose my husband, my friends, be at the mercy of others, being completely shit-ass poor, completely substance depandant with the possibility of homelessness and/or suicide not even remotely something I could ever relate to.  When my husband left me five years ago after an excruciatingly difficult time for both of us, I pretty much was in denial about the whole thing. Not in denial about Steve being gone, but in denial about what that really meant.  5 years of dawnings cracking upon my head like concrete eggs. So, hmmm, did it occur to me that I was on the very trajectory predicted over 15 years ago? Of course not!

I did manage to start losing weight, which was something I was told by at least one Dr. that I needed to get my mind around accepting my round/unhealthy body how it was and learn to love it.  Uhm, that was not good to hear, but .....I did it anyhow!  And in the end I ended up losing ONE HUNDRED POUNDS!  I have a lot to say about that and also our healthcare system, but it'll have to be not right now.

I also climbed an actual MOUNTAIN with severe lower back and hip problems.
I also got together with an old crush from high school with a bangin' body (I climbed the mountain with him) and got some silly girl fantasies met.  Dumb, but it feels important to get out there, because I'm sharing my process, and that man was, and still is a big part of it.

Ok, I just got too tired and way to hungry.  Please be kind !

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